Sorrows
by Georgia Hiwatari
Summary: Deals with real life issues some maybe R rated rather than PG13, but it's up to you to decide. Different in each chapter....Nearly a year since my last update sorry, Stuck in the Middle is up.
1. Flowing Crimson

Sorrows 

Disclaimer - I own my depression - wish I didn't but hey, that's all I own here. 

Well here's a new fic for you to enjoy - what can I say, I'm depressed so I wrote this. 

This will deal with an issue with has been going around in my head as of late. 

Georgia Hiwatari 

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Flowing Crimson 

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I watch, my eyes glazed over as the liquid flows down the sink, staining it's snowy coloured porcelain a deep crimson. I smirk slightly as all my worries and sorrow flows out of my arm and down the drain. How long I stand there, my arm over the sink as not to cause any mess, someone would most likely moan about having to clean it up, let alone wonder what happen, what has been happening for the past year or so. 

I ask myself that question after every time I do it, what's happened to cause this. 

Nothing. 

Maybe that's the problem, nothing's changed, my life is still what it was, what I always hated, and still do. I had wished things had changed that year ago, but it didn't. I thought that someone would be able to help me, save me from myself. No-one has, which leads me to become even more like this. 

The depression has long set it, I don't even bother trying to fight it anymore, I'll always end up doing it again. 

Cutting. 

It's my way out, my relief. 

I finally thought that I had some control over something in my life, that's what I thought anyway, but now, it's different, it's more like it's controlling me, making me do it, everyday it's the same, I've given in to it now, there's no point in fighting it anymore. 

The blood has begun to flow slower now. It must have started to heal up again. I sigh, I enjoy watching it drain away from me, it's calming, somehow. 

Maybe if I just run my nail along it... 

There that's done it, it's sped up again, I must have reopened the wound. Good. 

I smile more now, the loss of blood it making me slightly hazy and light headed. It feels a lot like LSD or Speed, the rush of it all, but better. 

I used to do drugs, they used to be my relief, but I've moved on from that, this makes me feel so much more alive. I can actually feel my spirit leave me. Another part gone, less for me to care about, right. 

I turn on the cold water tap, watching as the clear liquid mixes with my own red. It's hypnotising. Watching part of yourself diminish and be lost to the world. I wouldn't go as far as to say try it, it's not my place to say what others do with their own lives. I'm sure that if my 'friends' knew what I got up to, they'd try to interfere, people don't see what I see. 

For example, I see cutting as a way out, freedom. They would most see it as a cry for help, that something was seriously wrong. 

What one person may see as normal is completely abnormal to another, that's just how it is, and always will be. 

How long have I been in here, twenty minuets? I'm sure that one of them will most likely becoming back soon. They all went out, here and there, I have little care anymore, as I've said it's not my place to say. 

The dripping is slowing again, I won't try to reopen it again, I should start to clean this place up before they return. I grab some tissue to dry my arm up, washing away what blood remains. 

I sigh in contentment, this should keep me going for the rest of the day, then they cycle will continue tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, never changing. 

I hear the front door being shut, someone's back. I glance at my watch, whoever it is, is early. 

"Kai, are you home?" 

It's Rei, I guess I should answer before he starts looking around for me. 

"Yeah, I'm home. I'm in the bathroom, I'll be down in a few." 

There that should satisfy him for now. 

"Okay." 

I can hear him go into the kitchen, most likely to grab something to eat. 

One last look at my scarred arm, there are so many, there'd be more if I didn't try to cut over the old scars. I grab my black long sleeved, fingerless gloves, pulling them up to hide the markings. 

Leaving the bathroom, another day to get through before it'll happen again. 

How I envy Rei and the others, they seem so carefree, nothing like me... 

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End 

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Well there you go, short, but to he point - I was thinking of doing some other issues and such, so I will most likely do some more and put them up as chapters here. 

If you'd like me to do this please tell me. 

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Georgia Hiwatari x 


	2. Sickening Truth

Sorrows 

Disclaimer - as always I only own my depression and I don't advise people to actually do anything in these short stories. 

Part of the Sorrows collection by Georgia Hiwatari 

Enjoy 

Sickening Truth 

I look at the food placed before me. 

I feel my stomach churn. I'm so hungry, but I just can't eat it, but I have to. 

They're watching me. I know they've noticed how little I've been eating as of late or how I get something to eat when they've all gone to bed. 

I feel their eyes upon me as I slowly pick at the meal in front of me. Maybe, if I draw out eating then I won't feel so sick, maybe. 

I hope so. 

They're still watching, waiting, even though they each finished a while ago. 

I sigh, they won't go until I do. 

I can feel it, the churning, the twisting. I have to leave. I cough and push the rest of my plate away and get up to leave. 

"Rei, sit back down and finish your meal." 

I stop, they're all watching, all except one. He continues to watch in front of himself. 

"Kai, I'm not hungry so I'm going to go to bed, it's been a long day and I'm tired now, so if you don't mind, I'll be leaving now." I have to leave. I need to get away, the pain is getting more and more unbearable. 

"Tyson, Max, Kenny, leave now, I need to have a word with Rei here." Kai remained seated, his tone cold and serious. 

"Erm, sure thing Kai. Come on guys lets go play some video games or something." replied Tyson. 

With that Tyson, Max and Kenny rose from their seats and left to the sitting room where the games were situated. 

I remain standing, facing the table, left alone with my Russian friend. This was not going to get any better anytime soon. I sigh, I really wanted to leave, the pain in my stomach increasing. 

"Rei, I told you to sit back down and finish your meal." 

"And I said that I wasn't hungry and that I'd be leaving now, so, again, excuse me." 

I began to turn to leave when Kai grabbed my arm, forcing me to stay where I was, "I said to sit down, I need to talk to you. Now." 

"What about?" I sit, I was going nowhere now, no matter how much I wanted, no, needed to go. 

Kai sighed and rubbed his temples with his index and middle fingers, resting his elbows on the table, "Rei, you have to stop this, it's not healthy, and the others are beginning to worry and I don't know what to tell them." 

I sat there in a state of shock. 

I should have known that this would happen, but I didn't expect it this soon, or like this. 

There was only one solution to this situation, play the innocent card. 

"What are you on about Kai? Stop what?" I smiled, trying to act like my 'normal' self again. 

"Rei, for crying out loud don't do this to me, to yourself." He jerks up from the table, "For fucks sake Rei, don't play the innocent act, it's not going to work this time, you know exactly what I'm on about!" 

I just sat there, motionless. 

"I've been watching you closely for the past couple of weeks now Rei, I can't stand it anymore, watching you destroy yourself everyday anymore. It may not seem like I do all the time, but I do actually care about what happens to everyone close to me, especially you." 

I closed my eyes. I could hear the hurt in his voice and even the slight disappointment. I had caused that, that pain in my captain, my friend. 

I felt more disgust in myself, my stomach began churning again. I had to go, I needed to release the disgust in the pit of my being, it needed to come out. 

I abruptly stood back up, knocking over my chair as I did so. 

Kai looked at me, right in the eyes. I couldn't hold his gaze, there was too much pain in them. 

"Rei?" 

"I'm sorry, Kai." 

I turned and ran. 

Out of the kitchen, through the sitting room, past Tyson, Max and Kenny, and upstairs into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. 

"Damnit, Rei!" 

I heard Kai yell from back down in the kitchen and then his movements as he began to head up towards the bathroom where I was situated. 

I turned towards the toilet. The footsteps were getting closer with every passing moment. 

Lifting up the toilet seat, I knelt down moving my bangs out of my face. It needed to be done, I had caused the others pain and I had to suffer for my sins. It came naturally nowadays, no longer forced, like it used to be. I pushed my index and middle fingers into the back of my throat, my muscle automatically flexing against the intrusion as I pushed my fingers further back into my throat, making myself relax as I waited for what seemed like an eternity until I heaved. My stomach jerked as what little contents inside were pushed back up my gullet as I threw up into the toilet bowl. The acid burned the back of my throat as I remained knelling before the toilet, fingers down my neck as all of the substances left in my stomach were brought back up. 

I heard a slump against the bathroom door. 

It was Kai, he had heard me, heard me throwing up, heard my shame. I had forgotten, in my haste, to turn on the taps like I usually did, to help drown out the sounds of my heaving, God I was so stupid. 

"Why, Rei? Please just tell me, don't keep doing this to yourself, let me help. Please." 

The sounds of Kai outside, so worried, so sad, this wasn't Kai, this wasn't who he was. I had made him like this. 

Still I remained over the bowl, my hand now by my side, there was nothing left inside. I was empty, completely empty. 

Tears stung my eyes. 

This was new, I hadn't cried since I had started to do this. This had always made me feel better. It calmed me, made me relax and forget about everything going on in my life. It helped me focus before a match, made me more confident. 

This time though it didn't. 

I could hear Kai outside, the others had come upstairs, he was telling them to leave. As usual Tyson wouldn't listen, he wanted to know what the hell was going on, I heard Max and Kenny lead him away. 

I slowly rose up from the floor, flushed the toilet and headed over to the sink. Washing out my mouth and my hands I looked in the mirror. 

I had become thinner and pale, my once golden and alert eyes were now all red and puffy, the life drained out of them. I looked fucking pitiful basically. 

The tears continued to fall. 

Kai was right, as usual, I did need help. I couldn't stop this on my own, no matter how hard I tried, the temptation was just far to strong for me to resist it. It was psychological, that I knew, what I didn't know was the cause, the reason behind why I did it, I had been doing it for so long now it no longer held any meaning really anymore, it was just an addiction now, a craving. 

I walked over to the door, unlocked it and looked Kai right in his eyes. The dark crimson pools, so many emotions were running through them, it was unbelievable, there was so much going on in them. 

Tears continued to run down my features as I lost myself in those eyes, his gaze, only one thing came to my mind. I began to speak, Kai listening closely. 

"Help me." 

End 

There you go, another depressing situation to add to my collection. 

I hope you enjoyed. 

Please review, if there is anything that you'd like me to write about just tell me in the review. 

Georgia Hiwatari x 


	3. Last Resort

Sorrows 

Disclaimer - I only own the idea and the plot to this story, all of the characters from the "Beyblade" series' are owned by their creators and companies. Namely, not me or else the show would be completely yaoi - shame I don't own it then. 

I own my depression - wish I didn't but hey, that's all I own here. 

Part of the Sorrows collection by Georgia Hiwatari 

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Last Resort 

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Thousands of people die, everyday someone dies, and everyday someone dies from suicide, and everyday, someone asks "why?" 

Why would someone want to kill themselves? 

Friends and family would ask why would someone so smart, kind, friendly, loving, etc. want to throw all of what life had to offer away? 

They grieve afterwards with only one thing running through their minds; "Why?" 

And all they will never know or fully understand, the only one who knew "why" is gone and will never return. 

What people see and believe is nothing but the outside of a person, the outside of a dying soul. 

A person may appear smart, king, friendly, loving, etc. to everyone who sees them, but inside, inside they are in deep pain - sorrow, anger, hatred - they all consume a person, they destroy them, slowly torturing them until there is nothing left but an empty shell. 

An answer as to why people may commit suicide may be left in a note or a letter of sorts, but the only true answer that a person has as to "why?", is that they do it because to them, they are already dead - there is nothing left, nothing to live for, no hopes, no dreams, everything is gone. 

Inside they have died - bullying, family problems, depression and other factors have caused them to die inside. 

They, who commit suicide, are just finishing what someone or something else had already started, it's only fair to themselves. 

Why? 

Why do I tell you this? 

Why now? 

Now, because I am one of these people. I am the next one to be added to the list of suicidal deaths - I have nothing left to live for, for I am long gone and now my body will follow where I have been for a number of years. 

Now it's my turn to end what someone else has started, it's time for my suffering to end. 

Don't ask why, why someone like me would want to do this. The truth is you have never known me, how I feel and what I'm really like. 

That's the problem with people - they think that they know you, when in fact, they have never had any idea what you're really like deep down. 

I can only hope that in telling you this, that you will finally understand, even if only a little, how I might feel after reading this and how others, like myself, feel. 

Do not look down upon us, or tell people how much we had going for us in the future, because we aren't ashamed of what we've done and we had noting left to live for - remember we're already dead on the inside....... 

...........our bodies are only just joining us....... 

Rei. 

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End 

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Yes, it's depressing and deals with suicide but I felt like this needed some light shone upon it as most people don't understand what goes through peoples' minds when they commit this last resort - I hope that people who read this will actually understand a bit more about this topic as not many people do - which in my view should be discussed more openly. 

Again, if you want me to write about something tat's perhaps bothering you, or you want to know about something please ask me as I will gladly write about it - especially when I'm depressed. 

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Georgia Hiwatari x 


	4. Stuck in the Middle

Sorrows

Disclaimer – the ideas just come to me, I just borrow the characters for a little while.

Part of the Sorrows collection by Georgia Hiwatari

Enjoy

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Stuck in the Middle

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They're at it again. It happens every time they're in the same house as each other for more than a few hours, it's no wonder that they decided to split up. My mum and dad are constantly arguing, and as usual it's over nothing in particular, just something about what someone said earlier on today, which I have no idea what it was due to not being there.

It started about 9 years ago now I guess, the fighting, the yelling, the screaming. It's not something anyone would want to live through, let alone grow up in. I was 6 at the time when I first noticed it. My mum was always at work so I hardly got to see her for more than a couple of hours each day so my dad pretty much raised me.

I remember one night, something woke me up, a crash of some sort downstairs. I was still half asleep and wandered out of my room to the top of the stairs, my parents were downstairs in the kitchen, talking about something which I couldn't make out really, but it seemed important to them as it progressed into a heated argument. My mum just started screaming at my dad, I could see the shadows from my place on the landing, she was waving around a plate or something, it was hard to determine from the shadows, but then she threw it at him, hitting the wall and smashing against it. It made me jump, I didn't understand what was going on, why did my mummy do that? It made no sense to me at the time. My dad yelled at her, pointing his finger, he seemed to be confronting her about something, I was too young at the time to remember what it was, but I found out later, the reason why she was at work so late every night.

She had been having an affair which a colleague at the lab. My dad told me when I was about 10, 2 years after they divorced, but the arguments never stopped.

I moved in with my dad when they split, I didn't know my mum that well, so it seemed the best choice, or so I thought. The arguments continued, but the subject had changed. I was now the one they argued about, the yelling and screaming was because of me now. I hate it so much, they don't even seem to care that I can hear them, it's like I'm not actually here, I'm just something to fight about.

I can't stand it, I love both my parents. I stay with my mum for most of the summer, and we have a blast. When I'm back at home, me and dad are always doing things, I can't pick between the two of them, they're my parents.

But are parents meant to fight every time they're in the same room when no-one else is around? It can start out as something so simple, like today's argument, but then it grows and gets out of hand and once again I'm the subject of their anger. Am I to be trapped in this situation forever? I don't think that they can see what it does to me, having to live with the tense and agitated environment when they're together.

God I wish they would just stop, even if it's just for a few seconds, but I guess I can't be that lucky can I.

I hear a saucepan clatter to the floor. It's started to get violent again. It'll be my mum, dad never throws things at her, it's always been her.

So here I am yet again, knees to my chest as I rock back and forth on my bed, tears slowly running down my cheeks as I listen to the continual yelling and the odd few breaking glasses or plates or some other kitchen wear being thrown around.

It makes me wonder whether it would all be better if I wasn't around, would they still fight all the time?

Was it my fault my parents divorced really? I mean, yeah, my mum was having an affair, but was I the reason why she took such a job, to pay for my needs. It can't be cheap raising a child, am I somehow to blame?

I just want it to stop.

I want to live in a happy family, where both parents are happy together, where they're a home full of love and joy, one of those perfect lives which very few of us are granted with. Hell I'll be happy with Tyson's life, at least his isn't a constant rollercoaster, even if his family is so spread apart, at least they don't have a massive argument within 5 minuets of being alone when they finally come together.

It will never happen here, my parents are just too… different.

When I think about it, I don't think they've ever agreed on anything, even my name caused a conflict, how stupid is that, they were quarrelling even before I was born.

I guess some people are never meant to be together.

If only they had thought about that before they threw me into the middle of their war.

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End

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Obviously about Max.

Hum, I'm not too sure about this small story, but as always comments are welcome and if anyone has any requests for a topic they'd like me to write about it would give me some major incentive to actually write something – it's taken me about a year to update this series, which is pathetic really, but I've had no inspiration to write anything.

I'm very sorry for the wait!

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Georgia Hiwatari x 


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